DROPOCALYPSE: Welcome To The Vinyl Jungle

Greetings, travelers of the internet, and welcome to a brand-spanking new column here at MetalSucks: DROPOCALYPSE. What exactly is this, you ask? Well, each Friday, I’ll be taking you through the week’s hottest, sexiest, freshest vinyl drops, because record collecting is fun. It is also, objectively, the stupidest hobby of all time. But that’s neither here nor there.

Stay tuned if you want a weekly dose of how to spend your hard-earned cash after toiling away your limited hours on Earth working for the ruling class. Or if you’re rich already, here’s a way to seem culturally enlightened and relevant. Who knew media consumption could be so damn fun and replace your personality?

Boards of Canada – Inferno

Boards of Canada made quite a stir when announcing their upcoming album by mailing VHS tapes to the only physical media dweebs who are worse than record collectors – the fucking tape guys. This highly anticipated return after a 13-year hiatus will certainly get a lot of play on the turntables of women who host events with words in the title like “soundscape” and “somatic healing” and are, questionably, performance artists of some kind. Grab your fancy copy here.

Blood Incantation – All Gates Open

In case you have someone in your life who really wants to level up their “completely insufferable” base stat, look no further, as Blood Incantation is here to save the day with this rather niche release. Combining the unholy trinity of cosmic metal, a film score, and ambient, All Gates Open is the original score to a documentary about the making of Absolute Elsewhere, which was on every pretentious stoner’s Best of 2024 list. I heard a rumor that this box set, which already contains two LPs and two DVDs, also comes with a Criterion Closet tote bag to take on your Whole Foods run and a complimentary teeny tiny beanie that covers like, a quarter of your head. 

W.A.S.P. – W.A.S.P. Remaster

W.A.S.P.’s self-titled debut has been repressed on clear vinyl at half speed for sound quality, which is funny considering this is the shittest, horniest hair metal imaginable. I’m not sure what else we expected from a band that looks like they were recurring guests on Wayne’s World as the evil gang of metal villains hell-bent on beating the fuck out of Garth or something. I can feel myself starting to morph into a girl from a Whitesnake video just talking about this one, so I’d better move on before I lose 80 lbs and get several types of cancer from all the hairspray.

Anthrax – Cursum Perficio

Everyone’s favorite thrash metal gods are back with a pre-order for an album that doesn’t come out for another fiscal quarter, because as we all know, it feels great to drop $40 on something you won’t get for several months. That’s okay, though, because the most likely reason you’re buying a new Anthrax album is as a gift for your dad. So, you might have to hold on to this one until you see him next.

Rock Burwel – Obsession (Original Soundtrack)

Look, while I might hate most things, including movies, I can safely say Obsession scared the everloving fuck out of me, and a good chunk of that is thanks to the soundtrack by Rock Burwel. It’s also the only movie I’ve seen in recent memory where the audience was palpably urging the main character to kill himself. It was like a crowd of Twitch-addicted middle schoolers in there, it ruled. This LP comes to you from Waxwork Records, a shop specializing in pressing horror soundtracks and cornering the “dudes who have not gotten laid since the early aughts” market. Snag your copy of the Obsession OST to make it clear you are a good feminist ally for your next invariably failed Hinge date.

Smashing Pumpkins – Gish (35th Anniversary)

It’s the 35th anniversary of the last good Smashing Pumpkins album–you know what, I can’t even make that joke. It’s just too wrong. I’m sorry, Mellon Collie. Please switch the locks back, baby. I can change.
Anyway, it’s the 35th anniversary of Gish, Smashing Pumpkins’ debut full-length album, repressed on 180g vinyl and in the OG 1991 packaging.  I am now acting as a bookie and taking bets on the percentage of collectors buying this repress who are as bald as Billy Corgan.

Email me at [email protected] with your Social Security Number and we can talk over the terms.

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