MONDAYSUCKS With JOHN GOBLIKON: I Tried Watering It, But I Can’t Keep This Industry Plant Alive!

MondaySucks is brand new MetalSucks weekly column on Mondays, written by your favorite goblin comedian musician, John Goblikon.

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In the modern entertainment industry, there are only two letters that can garner both immediate financial and promotional support: I.P. – In Hollywood, it refers to Intellectual Property. In the music industry, it refers to Industry Plant, and “I.C.P.” refers to the Insane Clown Posse. 

So, what are Industry Plants? Who are Industry Plants?! More importantly, how much friggin’ water do they need ‘cause I can’t keep these things alive to save my life! 

Well, as somebody with a literal green thumb, perhaps there is no one better to discuss plants than me. For years, there have been whispers in the music industry that, only behind closed doors, music labels had their claws in certain artists. Any and every “overnight” success was slapped with these scarlet letters. 

From a quick Google – I would use Chat GPT but after my last article, I have decided to take a break and only use a slightly less evil robot – an industry plant is defined as a “derogatory term for a musician who experiences sudden, rapid success but disguises their industry backing, wealth, powerful connections to appear self-made and purely organic.” Uh, AWESOME. Being an industry plant sounds like a DREAM. In fact, give me industry backing, wealth, and power by tomorrow, and I’ll change our name to NEPOgoblikon! 

So, let me get this straight. If a band has a song that suddenly blows up and then we start seeing them everywhere, they begin selling out shows, selling a ton of merch, etc… but then the internet sleuths discover the band has industry ties, that they should be blacklisted?! Kinda sounds like you’re saying, “Hey music labels & agencies, STOP DOING YOUR JOB SO WELL!” You humans really go out of your way to find things to get upset over. It’s cute. Really.

Maybe it’s time to look at the WHY? Why is it upsetting to you humans? Why is that the go-to insult for any artist who is seeing moderate success?! I remember when I was first asked to star in the music video for Nekrogoblikon, “No One Survives.” That video BLEW UP. Millions of views in a couple of weeks. Nekro asked me to join the band and immediately begin touring, and soon we defined a new genre, Goblin-Metal, and went from playing for tens of people to playing for tens of thousands! It was only a matter of time until those same concerns were tossed our way: “How come I’ve never heard of them before this video?”, “How can goblins dance so sexy?”, or “Why won’t they find a gimmick?!?”. Then, yeah, somebody called us an industry plant… and I ate him. Yeah, I ate that guy. Problem solved. 

Now, there are controversial bands like Sleep Token, who DO have a gimmick and DO wear masks and makeup, who seemingly came out of nowhere and now sell out ARENAS?!? But are they industry plants? Yeah. Of course they are. Look at ‘em. For an industry plant, you’d think they’d get the lead singer some dance lessons, ammiright?! He can paint himself any color he wants – we all know that dude is white as hell. 

I do, however, implore you to lift up that plant and shake off all the dirt, and those tiny little bugs, and what you’ll find are its roots. Those dudes in Sleep Token obviously know what they are doing. They are incredible musicians, I mean, they literally have to learn every music genre imaginable, after all, that’s their motto: “Each song must contain a minimum of seven genres” – Vessel (probably).  Have they had help along the way? Of course. Probably from the MyPillow guy, or er, Helix Mattress, anything to help that guy SLEEP! 

*Note from the writer* If Sleep Token is reading this, if you are NOT an industry plant, a great way to prove it would be to take my band Nekrogoblikonon tour with you! 

I have a simple rule when it comes to music: DOES IT SLAP? Or, IS THIS A BANGER? If the answer is “yes;” who cares if the dude ripping the solo is playing a $5,000 guitar his Dad on Wall Street got him, or if he’s playing a $6 guitar he got at a pawnshop that he refurbished with new pickups that he won’t stop talking to you about. And, what the fuck is a “3-way toggle?!” I don’t know who needs to hear this, but YOU HAVE THE POWER. You can buy the ticket to see them live or not. 

All this industry plant talk has got to stop! ‘Cause what can and will happen, is a band that has been grinding for years and years will finally get their moment in the sun, only to have it tarnished by a bunch of trolls who can’t fathom success happening to someone who wasn’t on their radar a year ago. It’s a big ol’ world. There’s room for all kinds of plants. If you don’t like the plant that is being fed to you, PLANT YOUR OWN. 

Holy crap, I just thought of the next thing I’m gonna plant, A MONEY TREE. Oh my gob. It’s perfect. I can see it now, a Reddit thread titled, “Is John Goblikon Actually Rich or Did He Just Plant A Money Tree Recently?!” Well, you know what, I did. You wanna know where I planted it? In front of the Netflix building. So yeah, I guess you could say it’s kinda an industry plant, but it’s MY industry plant. 

Keep growing, ya’ll! 
John Goblikon

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