Net Worthless With Johnny Spreadsheets: Boil Your Bass Strings Into A Brighter Financial Future

For years, bass players have tried to find new and innovative ways to game the system. They plug their DI boxes straight into the board during recording sessions instead of lugging their amps out of the storage unit they defaulted on. They spend their $1.50 per diem on scratch-off tickets because even a five-dollar win means they can get two spinning glizzies, and maybe even a drink, from beneath the glowing sanctuary of the 7-Eleven heat lamps. But there’s one classic trick that will turn you from a true bottom feeder into somebody with upward financial mobility: boiling your strings.

Mark King.

Geezer Butler.

Others…

They all know what’s up. They’ll tell you boiling the sweat and grime off a spent set of roundwounds brings back the punch and brightness, but they’re also sitting on a little-known secret: it saves a ton of money outside of pretending to be a musician, and you’ll be well on your way to affording a much-needed trip to the laundromat.

Here’s how to truly get out of the red, and maybe even die of acute nickel poisoning in the process, the most frugal solution of all.

The Art Of Boiling Strings

Boiling strings isn’t as complicated as it sounds. You boil water, and then you put your bass strings in it. A four-string set will easily run you $30. How much does water cost? It’s basically free if the gas station bathroom door is unlocked.

Get a nice rolling boil going and toss your strings into the pot. Give them a good ten minutes, pat them dry with a paper towel, and throw them back on your axe.

Get plenty of slaps and pops in before the rust starts taking hold, and you won’t even need a tetanus shot, because here’s the industry secret they don’t want you to know:

You’re over 26 and don’t have healthcare.

Feeling down? Feeling blue? Well, you shouldn’t. My doctor tells me I need to be on the highest therapeutic dose of lithium so I don’t “constantly crash out” and “make my mom cry.” I’ve also been told to take magnesium supplements because they improve mood. Then you look at any health and fitness blog, and they tell you to take iron.

What do those things have in common?

They’re all metal.

What is nickel?

Now you’re getting it. It’s basically the same thing.

Find the best leftover teabag from the Starbucks dumpster you can get your hands on and toss it in the pot. Let steep for three minutes, then cool to room temperature. Ice is optional, but if I’m being honest, you’ll probably just hurt yourself. Especially once the vertigo sets in.

Last time I checked, a bottle of magnesium tablets cost six dollars. This wisdom I’m dropping right now? One hundred percent free Hell, if you push your nickel consumption right to that sweet spot and the air starts to taste like bleeding, you can even ghostwrite for Primus.

Bands That Stretch Together Retch Together

Now that you’re a pro with disproportionately fat pockets after boiling all those strings, the folks over here at Net Worthless encourage you to boil other pieces of musical equipment and report your findings.

Haven’t eaten in days but rent’s due?

Does everybody in the van look like their heads are turning into giant cartoon turkeys, but you don’t want to resort to cannibalism because they all smell fucking terrible?

Is your guitarist’s amp wrapped in a textured but easily meltable vinyl known as Tolex?

Is that pot of water still boiling?

Bon appétit.

Think of all the money you’ve wasted on frivolous things like new bass strings, medicine, and food. That’s money that can now be thrown into a low-interest savings account. Just think: in 30 years, when your hands are covered in oozing lesions, you’ll finally be able to afford a fresh set of GHS Boomers and start the cycle all over again. If you live that long, that is.

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