MONDAYSUCKS With JOHN GOBLIKON: By Murdering An Orange Guy, GWAR is Actually Being Inclusive

For decades, the interplanetary warriors and metal Gods we call GWAR have always dealt with change, yet one thing has always remained the exact same: when it comes to violently murdering celebrities on stage, NO ONE IS SAFE! They have laid to waste actors, mutilated pop stars, and, of course, disemboweled politicians, all in a blood-soaked, heavy-metal-scored saga… and you know what? It f*cking rocks. Yet recently, after dismembering a bloated orange guy in a toupe, which for GWAR is just another Tuesday, they have now caught the attention of high-profile right-wing commentators?! Crazy, I know.

You’re probably thinking; “Isn’t there a war to worry about?,“Yep. “Isn’t an unregulated AI going to become self-aware and make all of you its human slaves while stealing every last drop of drinkable water?,” Of course. “Isn’t it wild that a metal band is on several governmental lists when I’m pretty sure there is another list about some island, with a bunch of names, possibly, and most definitely far more powerful, that they should focus more on, or wait, is this whole thing just another distraction to deter us from inquiring about said names of said list?!?” Hm, I never really thought of that, but you might be onto something. 

What I find so rad about these beings of the universe (GWAR, that is), they seem to grasp what a lot of you earthlings still struggle with: inclusivity matters. It’s what makes this planet special. I know this, because believe it or not, I am not from Florida. I’m actually not even from this country, nor this planet! Back on my home planet, you won’t find much diversity, nothing but green skin for miles. Sorry, MILE. It’s a very small planet, but it keeps rent affordable. As a young goblet, I yearned to meet somebody who didn’t look like me, so after years of begging my parents to send me to the planet where all three Austin Powers movies were shot, they finally obliged. Upon arriving here on Earth, I was immediately in awe of the different shapes and colors of you humans. It was beautiful, I thought, how lucky you all are, surely you all must be infatuated with each other, embracing, nay, celebrating your differences?!? Mmm NOPE. 

You know what I think is behind all this? Fear. No, that’s not the name of some nü-metal band from the 2000s, though, it probably is. I mean the emotion. The feeling. The thing that bubbles up when we don’t understand something. It’s become crystal clear that a lot of humans fear other humans who don’t resemble them physically or don’t align with their specific views. As a green guy, I have experienced this firsthand. The number of times I’ve heard shouted at me, “Go back to your planet!” or, “Sign this limited edition trading card, Yoda!” I don’t take it personally, I know deep down inside they are just scared. That’s right, just a bunch of scared little shits. When you have an aversion to something simply because you don’t understand it, you may think you’re saying, “I don’t like them!” but what you’re actually saying is, “I don’t like myself.” Gob damn, I’m a Philosopher! Just call me John Aristotlikon! I’m getting so good at this artsy-think-piece-stuff, I’m almost beginning to believe it myself! 

So maybe this orange-faced man, or someone close to him, saw him on stage getting sliced in half, saw his guts fall out, saw his blood spray the audience of rabid metal fans, and had an existential crisis of his own mortality. When he should have been flattered! Not only are you now a part of one of the single-greatest live shows in the history of metal, but you now finally have REPRESENTATION. Orange people matter, dude. The Lorax, Orange M&M, Bert’s life-partner Ernie, and even that annoying orange.  No, not the old viral YouTube show about a fruit, I’m talking to you, Mr. President. Cause when you point the finger at GWAR, you’ve got three orange sausages pointing back at YOU.

Has anybody asked how GWAR feels about all this?! I did. Well, not literally, they are very busy and stopped returning my texts after I went #2 on their tour bus. I couldn’t help but hear the words of Oderus Urungus ring in my big ole green ears, “I’m sick, sick, sick, sick, sick, sick, sick, sick (I’m so sick of you) sick [x8] (Sick of you) sick [x7], (I’m so sick of you) sick, sick, sick, sick, sick of you… Human filth” 

…and I couldn’t agree more. 

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