NET WORTHLESS With JOHNNY SPREADSHEETS: Broke On The Road? Try Dodging On Lodging

Tired of sleeping in the van? Is the La Quinta Inn with the room doors that open directly onto the highway too rich for your blood on this run of tour dates? Does every single 24-hour convenience store on this side of the Mississippi have your picture taped to the register, warning employees that you’re no longer allowed to nap in the walk-in beer cooler?

Sounds like you’ve exhausted all of your usual lodging choices and need to start thinking outside the box.

If you’re a serious touring musician but still need your beauty rest, there are alternatives that will get you through your next stint, leg, or whatever you call “playing local band showcases for bartenders and the other band’s girlfriends in a different state” when talking to your friends back home. Your wallet, and your back, will thank you if you implement these best practices immediately. It doesn’t take much ingenuity to stop wasting money on luxury expenses like a “bed,” “room service,” or someplace “clean” to spend the night.

Sign Up For Every Membership You Can

Motel 6, Super 8, Days Inn, Travelodge, and Knights Inn all have loyalty programs that you can exploit when you’re not getting into a parking lot knife fight after yet another show that required a 3:00 p.m. load-in even though the sound guy drunkenly stumbled through the door at 8:00 p.m., primed to scream in your face for asking when soundcheck starts.

Have every member of the band sign up for these programs. Many of them hand out freebies on your birthday.

Touring in August? Congratulations. You were all conceived in November if you want this exercise to work properly. Across enough brands and enough state lines, you’ll be able to sustain yourselves entirely on continental muffins. If you’re really lucky, you can swipe enough batter from the waffle station to create a functional gruel that’s relatively van-stable.

Of course, you’ll have to book single rooms and pile into one full-sized bed if you really want to pinch pennies, but in most cases, the shower water will at least run clear.

The Venue Squat

If you’re brave enough, you can simply sleep at the venue, though you’ll need to stay alert, which may interfere with your beauty rest.

Most clubs operate with a skeleton crew while closing, so all you really need to do is put some gaff tape over one of the lesser-used doors and wait for things to quiet down. Freshen up in the gas station sink across the street and wait for lights out. In many cases, you can walk right back in and stretch out on the stage.

If you’re lucky, the place doesn’t even open until late afternoon, meaning nobody will disturb your slumber.

If you get accosted by the door guy, who’s also trying to score a free night of lodging after an exhausting night of skimming off the top, just toss a little something else his way and he’ll get off your back. Or, if you’re in Kansas City, fill a Diet Rite can with spray paint and send him on his way. By the time he regains consciousness, you’ll already be headed to your next gig.

B & E With Caution

If you’re near a residential neighborhood and your pocketbook is feeling light, drive around after dark and look for houses without any lights on. In most cases, the owners are gone for the weekend. Sometimes you’re not so lucky.

Even then, you can still set up camp under decks or inside crawl spaces, but you’ll have to keep quiet. If fortune smiles upon you and you find an empty house, don’t be a dick about it. Grab a few hours of sleep, raid the fridge, and be gone before anyone notices you used their toothbrush and drank all their Listerine.

Once you get good at this, you can even live rent-free when the tour is over. You know those YouTube videos about squatters secretly living inside someone else’s house for months? That could be you.

Your parents barely paid attention to you when you lived there the first time. They probably won’t notice this round either.

Always Have A Hard Hat Handy

If you spot a solid union job site, it’s safe to assume nobody’s working after 6:00 p.m. This includes new high-rise apartment developments, government building renovations, and office complexes.

High-visibility vests and construction worker cosplay can be purchased cheaply on Amazon. After that, all you need to do is walk onto the property after hours like you just finished a hard day’s work but forgot your keys.

Free WiFi is always a bonus if the building is far enough along. You can also steal all the pens you want for those record contracts you haven’t signed yet but are certain will be offered the second the right person hears your band.

Dumpsters Don’t Discriminate

You may not be lucky enough to enjoy three hots and a cot like a common prisoner, but a dumpster will always do in a pinch.

Bakeries are your best bet because they throw out food at the end of the day, and most of it isn’t even wet. The tradeoff is that rats also love pastries, so you’ll need to stay combat-ready.

You also don’t want to be too heavy of a sleeper. If you choose this route on trash pickup day, you’re as good as dead.

Then again, you’re 38 years old and think your pop-punk band is going to make it, so you’re already hanging on by a thread.

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