MONDAYSUCKS With JOHN GOBLIKON: Let’s Go Goblin Mode On This Week’s 3 Biggest Metal Headlines

“SYSTEM OF A DOWN’s DARON MALAKIAN Leads Entire Stadium in OASIS Diss.”

Maybe it’s the rise of veganism, or the fact that nowadays ordering red meat from nearly anywhere can give you explosive diarrhoea, but it’s been too long since the music industry has had a good BEEF!

Enter System of a Down, comparing Oasis to a tapeworm that needs to be “pulled out of your ass” while on stage, and then proceeding to get the entire crowd to chant it at full volume! Now, THIS is the kind of petty I can really get behind! This beef is GRADE-A ORGANIC.

Oasis frontman and all-around-bubbly-nice-guy-whos-always-in-a-good-mood Noel Gallagher (no relation to the mustached comedian who destroys waterlemons with a mallet) is actually the one who first threw this beef onto the grill. Or as Noel would say, “Put that beef on the barbie gov’na!”

In the early 2000’s, Noel was quoted as saying System of a Down was the “Shittiest Band of All Time.”

Which, first off, SOAD is one of the sickest, most original bands, who most certainly rock; I mean, have you heard “Chop Suey”?!? If not, listen to it RIGHT NOW, and then listen to my band Nekrogoblikon goblify that song RIGHT HERE!

Second, Noel has clearly never heard of Puddle of Mud, cause if he had, he’d be like, “System of a Down is much better, innit?” I think Noel should be required to come to an SOAD show and experience a WonderWALL OF DEATH! Noel, I hope you WAKE UP, grab a brush and put on a little makeup, cause when you pick a fight with a metal band, today is gonna be the day that they’re gonna throw it back to you!  

Satanic Doo-Wop Duo TWIN TEMPLE Booted From CHARLEY CROCKETT Tour

As a goblin, I love a little mischief, and more so, I love the unexpected.

Well, what if I were to tell you the most unexpected, most mischievous, MOST METAL thing a band could ever do just occurred, and it wasn’t from Slipknot, or even Metallica; it was from a doo-wop duo. “John, what’s a doo-wop duo?”

Guys, I have no fucking idea, but what I do know is this duo known as Twin Temple got booted from some country music festival because why? THEY WERE TOO SATANIC. Give us back the pentagrams, Slayer; we have new DARK LORDS to crown, and they are ready to skat their way into your black hearts.

I used to room with Lucifer back in Chicago, so of course, I texted him about this whole situation, and this is what he sent back: “Gobs! People keep texting me about this, this band rocks and should be allowed the same artistic freedom as every other band! Christian music blows so why can’t music about me also be pretty questionable?! Also, what the fuck is doo-wop? ???????????? P.S you still have my Nintendo Switch!” Straight from the scorching source, the dark lord hath spoken and Twin Temple can doo (wop) whatever they want! 

New System For Tagging AI-Generated Music Introduced

Uh-oh, it’s over AI music makers; they are introducing the scarlet letters to all of your generic-sounding songs about pee pee and poo poo in the style of Morgan Wallen. I just fear this is a slippery slope. Should we mark my band’s songs as MBG: Made by goblins?!? Soon will GWAR have to identify their music as made by galactic warriors?! Wes Borland will be notated as a makeup influencer, and/or Benson Boone as a deeply closeted religious grifter?!? Where does it stop?

Is there actually a difference between a song made entirely by AI and a song sung by Cher whose vocals are made entirely by a robot named Autotune?! If you’re worried about AI impeding on the revenue of your artists who are not AI, maybe you should just put more resources into those human beings on your label who make original music, nuke these gob damn data centers, stop with these half-ass solutions, and invest in GOB DAMN HUMANITY!!! Whoa, so I guess the edibles have kicked in. Alright then, I’m gonna go make an AI song in the style of Garth Brooks about how Taco Bell was giving me explosive diarrhoea before it was cool. – MBG

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