MONDAYSUCKS With JOHN GOBLIKON: NEKROGOBLIKON Turns 20, And Now We Are Too Old For LEONARDO DICAPRIO!

I wanted to take the time to reflect on what this journey has been like and on the impact my band has had over the last twenty years, going from relative obscurity to the world’s premier goblin metal band. It’s hard to imagine a world without Goblin Metal, yet twenty years ago, that’s what life was like here on Earth. Also wild to think we are now too old to go on a date with Leonardo DiCaprio, but here we are!

The story goes that twenty years ago, in a small apartment in Palo Alto, California, a couple of long-haired dudes with no friends, dressed in all black, decided to form a band and write songs exclusively about the real heroes of the creature realm: Goblins. Their obsession with my culture grew alongside their musicianship, and soon an entire album of wall-to-wall bangers was forged in the darkness: GOBLIN ISLAND. Now, I’ve never been to said island; I’m not really one for the water or cruises, imagine being stuck on a floating mall with nothing but a buffet without sneeze guards that reeks of sunscreen – NO THANKS. 

Eventually, they began adding humans to this band and took their talents south. Not too far south, I’m talking going from Northern California to Southern California, they ain’t exactly Magellan! Come to think of it, I don’t really know many details beyond this Wikipedia page I just pulled up, so why don’t we skip ahead to the most important part: ME!

I remember stumbling into my favorite dive bar in the valley; there on stage was that very band, screaming, and growling their balls off about all things green. I was instantly smitten. I began to shake both my humps, and soon I couldn’t help myself; I entered the pit… which at the time was just me and one other guy who kept shouting at me, “Please stop pushing me, I’m just the janitor!” Psh, wuss. I could see the band’s eyes widen on stage; it was clear they had never seen a real goblin before. I mean, just imagine you spend months writing songs about something, and then it manifests in front of you?! That’d be like Limp Bizkit playing a show, and suddenly there is a Nookie and a Cookie in a circle pit! 

After the show, the band approached me, stuttering and awestruck; they asked me if they could document a little of my life and set it to one of their songs. I told them I had work the next day, but they insisted that wasn’t an issue and that I wouldn’t even know they were there. So I agreed, and the following day they never left my side without recording it. They got my morning routine, me selling my buns off at work, talking to my crush, me ripping a bong, and soon me ripping the face off of my boss, Brad. Allegedly. This was set to one of their songs, NO ONE SURVIVES, released on their YouTube channel, and that’s when everything changed.

I went to sleep that night as an obscure goblin who worked at a mid-tier life insurance company in Reseda, California, and I woke up a beloved, internet-famous goblin who was about to begin his meteoric rise in both the music and entertainment industry, and I was going to do it alongside the premier goblin-metal band, Nekrogoblikon. The band asked me to join. Yeah, I couldn’t believe it; they asked me when I wanted to start playing shows with them; the answer was easy: “RIGHT NOW!” They made me an offer I couldn’t refuse: “Tour with us for free!” and the rest is history. 

Over the next decade-plus, we played shows all over the world with bands from all backgrounds: Pirates, Dragons, Cartoons (Dethklok), and whatever GWAR is! I thought I was living my dream, but if you can believe it, things got even better. I was handed my own talk show, aptly titled RIGHT NOW, where I interview my favorite musicians, comedians, and actors! Everything was coming up goblin! Then the craziest thing happened: not only did the band start letting me onto the bus for short spurts (only when it was hailing), but they ASKED ME TO BECOME THE LEAD SINGER. All those years of not taking voice lessons were finally going to pay off, and I got to do it across from my new best friend, Dickie Allen of Infant Annihilator (and 27 other bands he started). I thank Gob every day that I get to live out my dream alongside a band of human men who I’ve come to know so well, all seven of them… or is there eight? I literally have no idea. 

So how does one celebrate 20 years of blood, sweat, and beers? With a headlining tour across North America, DUH! So that we may see all the amazing new fans we have gained over twenty years, and more importantly, say hi to those who have rocked with us since day one, and melt their face off one last time… wait, I know you’re thinking, “LAST?!?” Is this it? No, I just wanted to make sure you were still reading! GOTCHA! We are like a Cockroachlikon, we will never die. 

To that I say, HAPPY BIRTHDAY, NEKROGOBLIKON! Cheers to 20 years, and cheers to 20 more! 

* Though it should be noted if we do go on for another 20 years that will be in large part due to me and my sex appeal, so I think me finally getting a bunk bed on the bus would be well warranted, maybe we should discuss this further? Like, I keep emailing that lawyer you told me about, but he keeps responding that it’s not a Law office; it’s in fact, an Arby’s? LMK. 

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