NET WORTHLESS With JOHNNY SPREADSHEETS: How To Upgrade Your Backline By Wrecking Your Van

Trying to get a leg up as a touring musician? Are you tired of paying a 25% merch fee to venues so you could set up a beer pong table and sling your t-shirts and stickers? Has the door guy once again walked away with more cash in his pocket than your band because he’s been feeding his nose with door money? The harsh reality is that when you’re traveling across the country to get your music out to the world, the house always wins. If you want to get ahead in this industry, then you need to stack the deck! 

The best way to get a leg up after months on the road is by trashing your van and committing insurance fraud. You’ve already redlined every single one of your credit cards, and you need to recoup your funds. We’re going to get into the best practices to make sure that your band gets out of the red, into the black, and probably on a couple of watch lists if you don’t cover your tracks because this is absolutely a felony. 

Lie about how much your gear is worth 

You really can’t cash in on your insurance policy if your gear isn’t worth dick. Sure, maybe you bring your stage-bangers on the road, but those premium guzzling fat cats won’t pay top dollar for your entry-level Ibanez if it goes missing. The most practical workaround here is to take a lot of photos of your stage show when a more expensive backline is being shared. There’s an even bigger payday in it for you if you can borrow somebody’s PRS or Warwick for a set. That way, after you trash your own gear and set your van on fire, you can present the photos with your insurance claim, and say that it was your equipment. 

If your insurance agent asks you about the serial numbers, just tug at your collar and laugh it off, and hopefully you won’t spend a year in jail. 

Make it look convincing

Now that you’ve already gathered your “documents,” you’re already well on your way to committing fraud at the highest level. The best approach is to drive to a remote area, beat the absolute shit out of your van, walk to the nearest town, and call an Uber to the nearest motel with WiFi so you could start making some phone calls.

Have some fun with this one! You’ve been eating gas station hot dogs for months, and you probably smell like shit because you’re not due to stop at the laundromat for another week or two. Get creative, and channel your rage. Think about all of the times that your parents told you that you’re wasting your life by pursuing your dreams, how they’re probably right, and start slamming. Grab some tire-irons, and just go to town! Bonus points if you could graffiti tag your van with the insignia of a rival band before leaving the scene of the crime. 

Cover your Tracks 

Now that you’ve committed the fraud, you need to realize that you’re only as strong as your weakest link. You might want to brag, and some parties involved may even have a guilty conscience. If you successfully rake in some serious dough, you might want to put some money aside to either keep everybody quiet, or to pay your legal fees. 

Always have a backup plan

When all else fails, or if you’re feeling a little iffy about filing a false claim, just set up a GoFundMe instead. The legal repercussions are a lot less severe, and people love dishing out their cash for stupid bullshit as long as it makes them feel good. 

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* DISCLAIMER: MetalSucks does not encourage or endorse criminal behavior in any way shape or form. For those unable to tell this entire piece, this is satire.

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