MONDAYSUCKS With JOHN GOBLIKON: It’s Time For Metalheads To Embrace Their Biggest Fear – Nature

Metalheads are perhaps the most misunderstood group of humans I’ve come to know here on this burning planet you call Earth. Based on their pale complexions, uncut hair, and aversion to wearing pastel colors, I would have told you they have never ventured outside of their garage or their mother’s basement.

Nay. I was wrong. (Note to therapist, SEE?! I CAN admit when I’m wrong!)

After joining the premier goblin-metal band Nekrogoblikon, I’ve seen metalheads in all sorts of environments they don’t belong: Boats, Canada, Denny’s… And now I come to find out they have ventured into the one place I thought they’d be allergic to: nature.

At the Fire In The Mountains Festival, they are breaking new ground. Well, technically it’s not new to them; in fact, it is and has always literally been their ground, since it’s organized by The Blackfeet Nation. This fest has done the unthinkable; they have opened their hearts and their beautiful campgrounds to a bunch of metalheads! Bringing metal to those who need it most: squirrels… and probably some birds and bugs… but also humans.

Not just that, they offer free workshops with an emphasis on mental health?! (Second note to therapist: See I do give a sh*t about my mental health; I’m friggin writing about it!) And here’s the kicker – they are doing this entire festival without alcohol?! Yep, that’s right, this event is drier than a woman watching 4 dudes do improv! Now I could never go a day without suppressing my feelings with booze and/or looking for my solutions at the bottom of a bottle while simultaneously ripping a bong made from a Gatorade bottle… but honestly, the fact that all these humans are down to do this for an entire music fest is, well, it’s pretty friggin metal if you ask me. (Third note to therapist: Stop sending me all those court-ordered ‘Stop drinking’ pamphlets! I only use them as beer coasters!) 

In this modern world of technology, think it is so important to get off your phone, close the 28 tabs on your laptop, and get back to life in the way Gob intended it. You and your friends huddled in a tent, asking ChatGPT how to make fire, while Enslaved rips blast beats that echo so hard it knocks a hippie off a mountain attempting to free solo! TOUCH GRASS as they say. Meet new people. Meet other metalheads. Form community. 

I just wish there was a way for all my Gob Squad to come together and celebrate their love of goblin-metal… OH MY GOB, I got it! Come see Nekrogoblikon on tour and help create that very community. I encourage you to do it with any band you can – however, mostly our band. But, you’re probably wondering, “John, are those shows outside in nature?” No, most of them will be inside with air conditioning! Touch grass? The only people who do that are hippies during their festival seasons in which they create a community of the great unwashed.

“John, weren’t you just preaching the benefits of going outside?” I was obviously wasted when I wrote that; come to think of it, we weren’t even at Fire In The Mountains festival; we will, however, be at Aftershock, which isn’t in the mountains and also sells booze, lots of it.

(Final note to therapist: I think we should stop seeing each other) 

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